Monday, May 9


sometimes, you just need to get away from life, from normalcy, from the usual.

thank God for my wonderful mother, who gave me the opportunity to escape.

thank God for my loving husband, who gave me a reason to escape.

thank God for my awesome kiddo, who gave me a reason to come back.

i got to get away from my usual routine of busyness and chaos for 2 blissful days. it was wonderful.

confession time: i have a very difficult time relaxing (i chronicled my sometimes self-destructive perfectionism here and here). it's incredibly challenging for me to just sit and do nothing, think about nothing, just letting go of the urge to do.

frankly, it's exhausting and i'm tired of it, but i don't know how to change.

i described it to a friend in the following manner: i feel as though i live my life with a vast ocean inside my being. whenever that ocean is calm and peaceful, i feel calm and peaceful. even if i'm tremendously busy and active, if my ocean is at rest, i can find peace in the midst of the chaos.

if, however, that inner ocean is chaotic itself, then even if i try to sit and be still, i cannot, because my inner place is tumbling and roaring and swirling and twirling. i can't just relax because i feel agitated inside, ergo my ability to be at peace is already compromised.

i spend the majority of my days, i find, with a turbulent ocean in my heart. thought after thought tumbles through my head, idea after idea takes hold of my creativity. it's not entirely bad, but i never feel as though my day is done. i feel i power full throttle from one project to the next, never feeling as though my work is done. there is never quite enough time to do everything i want to do.

it's actually in the moments that i try to sit and be still that i really feel that ocean tossing and turning in my spirit. at times it's quite tangible, the storm in my heart, motivating me, spurring me on to the next thing to be accomplished. i feel driven by a compulsion inside me, and i hold on for dear life as i move from one thing to the next.

i'm exhausted just reading this. it's just not a healthy way to live life.

so i decided to slow down for a weekend. i pressed the gigantic pause button and declared, "world, you must take care of yourself for a few days. i'm going off duty, and i trust you'll still be here when i return."

it sounds melodramatic, but occasionally i honestly believe that if i don't take charge of something and complete it on my own (because clearly asking for help is weakness and if i let someone help me i run the risk of the project not being done well so i should just do it myself...), the world will not be as good as it should be.

and that's not only a lie, but it's self-destructive, because no one can just keep going.

no one can bear the weight of the world alone. no one can be responsible for it all.

except of course for Jesus. but He's on His own level entirely.

so i forced myself to relax and get away for a while, leaving the cares and worries behind, focusing on my husband and our relationship and having fun together.

and you know what, the world was still here. my problems and stresses and responsibilities and jobs were still here. but i was able to forget about them for a while and be refreshed, invigorated for a fresh round.

it was wonderful and i can't wait to escape again. after a few times away, maybe i'll bring back a bit of the peaceful ocean with me. little by little, i'll integrate relaxation and quiet and rest into my normalcy.

what a wonderful world it would be...

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