Tuesday, April 26

my heart is restless

The Lord uses all things to teach us. I know this to be true and have seen the evidence of it throughout my life, usually months to years after the fact. We need some distance, some perspective to see exactly how the Lord brought us through a trial, exactly what He was trying to show us.

I am blessed and humbled to say that the Lord has been so merciful to me in regards to healing from my miscarriage. There are so many things that could have gone wrong, that could have been worse. But instead, I emerged from the valley physically unscathed (or at least, so they tell me). I'm tremendously grateful to the Lord that my womb was preserved from further damage.

But my huge cross now is the waiting. Some women have a mountain of healing to climb before they can even fathom getting pregnant again. I have the endless trickle of time to face. I have this tremendous desire to feel life in me. I was so ready, so ecstatic to be with child the first time around, but the Lord in His eternal wisdom chose to bring that life home to Himself. Thanks be to the Lord from who all good things come.

Now that I have mourned, and equally rejoice in having a baby in heaven, I'm just so ready to know I have a little one inside me. I ask our baby in heaven to intercede at the feet of Jesus, to ask that this new pregnancy, whenever the Lord brings it, be healthy and safe. I'm just ready, Lord. Why not now?

And so I wrestle again with the utter lack of control. Just as I was unable to retain the life of my baby in heaven with all my strivings and worryings, I am unable to manufacture life in my womb just because I want it so much. I have to wait for God's time to be now.

But it is so hard to wait. It is so hard to believe that God's timing, His plan is the perfectly best one. I say to Him in prayer, "But Lord, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am healed from my hurt, I am ready to move on and get this next baby's life started."

And still, He asks me to wait. Whether it be this month, or next month, or next year, I have to believe that He will bring the newest member of our family when it truly is the right moment for us. I may think I know what that moment is. But I know that years from now, when I gather my children into my arms and whisper to them how very much I love them, I will look on this moment and realize that yes, God, You DID in fact have it all under control.

Worry accomplishes nothing. Peace achieves all.

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