why hello there.

she lives!

yes, hello dear reader. i have emerged--and what better time to emerge than alongside the tulips, the baby birds, and our blessed Lord in this Easter season.

it will be a slow start and a tentative journey back into blogging. but i have missed it. it's been too long, and therefore the obvious solution is simply to start anew. 

so much has happened since last i set finger to keyboard (so not as romantic as pen to paper, but we do what we can). i am 23 weeks pregnant with number 3 (gasp, Gasp, GASP!) - and boy is it still challenging some days to wrap my head around that fact. much food for ponderation in there, about accepting God's will, making the conscious choice not to rebel, seeking peace, and it goes on. 

my music ministry abounds--but with some changes: less of my original stuff this year, and more straight up performances and expanding my church base. twill be interesting to see where the Lord takes this. i'm just thankful that for the current time, i've been able to do both motherhood and music with slim-to-none juggling (thank you Jonathan, world's best, most patient, and most supportive hubby). 

lucky to be in love with him.

my two boys are thriving, both because of and in spite of myself. i am growing as a mama, and am delighted to see that our family has settled nicely into the flow of having two underfoot. 

matthew at nearly 4 is a super champ of energy, enthusiasm, and excitement. the kid has been in school this past year, is loving the thought of the "new baby in mama's belly," and introduces himself to everyone by announcing, "hi new best friend! let's play!" oh to be young and vigorous and accepting of all once again. 

 

happy easter from us to you!

daniel, no longer the one and only baby, is 14 months, climbing everything, running everywhere, and causing mayhem to ensue all around him. the little one is a blast. he is full of sweet and slobbery baby kisses, joyful belly laughs, and just about adores his big brother to pieces. he loves his mama alright, too. 

i will leave you with this one meditation from this past sunday, which was one of my absolute favorite kickass feasts of the Church, Divine Mercy Sunday. i mean, how much more incredible a feast can we celebrate a week after remembering the absolute and perfect love of our Lord on the cross, than a celebration of his total and complete mercy, compassion, and welcoming? awesome. 

while at mass, while shuddering under the shame of my two boys' misbehavior and quivering under the supposed judgment i imagined was being flung in our direction, the priest let loose a cannonball upon my heart: do not be locked up in fear any longer. come out and bask in the love and freedom the Lord offers. do not be like the disciples huddled up in the upper room, anxiously awaiting their doom. be free and be at peace. know the Lord is risen. know he is pure and total love, total authority, total freedom. embrace it, embrace him, embrace his will, and experience life as he intended it to be: 

free. 

let it be so.

i have been meditating of late on the vast importance of accepting the truth.

the truth is not something that we can simply choose not to accept. it is the truth, whether we embrace it or not, and oftentimes we only make things more difficult for ourselves by not accepting what is in fact so. 

ever since having my baby, i (along with every mother out there who has just delivered) have been slowly plodding along the path to feeling and looking like myself again. i'm not sure which takes longer, but both are essential to attain (at least for this mama). 

from the first day i embarked back into the world with both boys in tow, i have had people tell me how lovely i look, how small i am for having a baby that age/size, how i don't even look like i was ever pregnant. 

trust me, i was. the 50 pounds i gained is a hearty affirmation that yes, i did in fact carry a mini giant in my body for 10 months and delivered him mightily into this world. 

so of course, i would protest: "you didn't see me before i was pregnant. if you had, you would not be telling me now that i look so small, like i was never pregnant. you would realize those words are mini daggers in my heart when i see all that fluffiness that still needs to be lost in the mirror." 

but then i realized: people were not lying to me. and if you've ever seen a new mama, what's the first thing that comes to your mind? how adorable she is, how precious her little one is, how brave she is for courageously offering up her own self-interest for nearly a year to craft a new human being in her body, and how miraculous this new child's existence is. 

you never, ever think to yourself, "man, that mama could stand to kick it up a notch at the gym! i mean, that baby has to be at least 2 months old! plenty of time to be back to a size 2." 

so why, mamas, WHY do we feel the urge to deny as truth what others in fact see. they see beauty. they see courage. they see dignity, fertility, womanhood at its peak. 

we must re-train our minds to recognize these things. otherwise, those first few months, overwhelming as they already are with round-the-clock feedings, self-deprivation, and endless diaper changes, will add yet another burden to our hearts: the debilitating urge to look "perfect" again. 

we must learn to say thank you. we must learn to accept the gift of affirmation offered in love by others, and allow our hearts to see the truth within. 

i am not where i was before i had my second son. i was not where i was before my first son when i conceived my second. 

and yet, i am beautiful. i am exhausted, slightly overwhelmed, somewhat ragged. 

but i am beautiful, and if you tell me so, i will do my best to accept it and believe it. 

so if you see a pregnant woman or a mama with a new little one, tell her she is lovely. tell her she is courageous, a super woman, for doing what she is doing. tell her she deserves a medal just for embarking on this journey called motherhood. 

it doesn't matter what the scale tells you before or after delivery, or after the amount of time you thought it would take to get back to "normal." 

this does not determine or affect your beauty.

we are beautiful because we bring new life into the world. 

 remind yourself daily that you are beautiful. look at your gorgeous pregnant self, your burgeoning belly and remind yourself that you, that popping belly button, that expanding bust line, that tiny heartbeat, are miraculous and beautiful.

remind yourself constantly that you have achieved something extraordinary. you have carried life within and brought it forth into the world. remind yourself ever time you look in the mirror and feel those pangs of self-doubt, of self-dislike emerge: you, those never-fading stretch marks, those ankles slowly returning to normalcy, those leaking faucets that once served to attract the opposite gender, are undeniably radiant and incredible. 

for my dear readers that are not mothers yet. you are beautiful in the throes of your femininity. don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you otherwise.

believe it. embrace it. accept it. 

so the next time you are offered a compliment, don't shoot the giver down. they are messengers from Jesus, sent to pick you up and remind you of an undeniable truth. 

because He knows how we sometimes look in the mirror and hate ourselves just a little bit. He knows how we sometimes stand on that scale and just want to die. He knows how even when we are having a good day and are feeling good about ourselves, it's so easy to wish it were just a bit better. 

He knows. and He wants to radically change how we look, stand, feel. 

because He thinks we are absolutely, without a doubt, the most gorgeous creatures He's laid eyes on. He loves every fiber of our beings. He knows every freckle, every pimple, every stretch mark, every scar. 

He adores everything about you, just as you are. 

so love yourself too. be gentle to yourself. if you are like me, striving to get back to normalcy, give yourself time and embrace the true affirmations and compliments as they come. 

just say thank you and let it sink into your heart. before long, you will believe it. 

because it's true. 

you are beautiful. 

disclaimer: photos are not my own work. i gratefully give credit to the following locations, where i found them:

1) http://urbanherbwifery.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/love.jpg

2) http://www.foru.ru/slovo_pic.php3?id=39226&pic=1

of babies and rejuvenation

ah, i know. it's been quite the long time. but i feel somewhat refreshed and rejuvenated, ready to once again lay bear my heart and my journey with Jesus, hoping that some little blessing finds its way to your own heart, dear reader.

so much has changed since june. so. much.

if you were traipsing along with me back then, you know my family suffered a terrible loss in march, and i am so grateful for all the love and support during my miscarriage.

God was so faithful to our family though, and blessed us with another pregnancy shortly afterwards. i'm now 30 weeks pregnant (!!!!) with another little boy. our little daniel is due february 2nd (though this mama's hoping and praying that maybe he'll be enticed into an early appearance in january). regardless, i'm so grateful. it's an unbelievable experience, carrying life in your womb. for those that cannot share in this joy, my heart breaks for you. it's such a tremendous cross to bear. for those that have not yet tasted of motherhood, hold on to your seats, because life is never predictable again.

sometimes, my heart trembles a little at the thought of two. two boys. oh my goodness. what's a mama to do, outnumbered in such a fashion? but my matthew is such a lover, so enthusiastic about life, so ready to taste of all life's joys, how could i not be excited to give him a brother to wrestle and explore and live with. clearly, God knows what he is doing. so i will brace myself and enjoy the ride.

my music is continuing to flourish in his time. i have expanded my ministry to several new churches, both in fort myers and naples. i have also been asked to reprise my role as "baby speaker" for the women of faith, women of action conference next march. i say "baby" because i shared the spotlight with such awesome speakers as colleen carroll campbell and brenda sharman this past february, and will join johnette benkovic and mary jo anderson this coming march. email me (gabriela@gabrielafrei.com) if you'd like more info on this fabulous conference as it progresses. we women need this occasional refreshment. i know i'm so looking forward to it already.

i'm re-learning too, how to balance life as mother and musician. that's been such a theme for this blog, and i seriously thought i had it all under control. all my balls were nicely rotating in midair, and i felt in control and on top of things. then God threw another baby into the mix, and all of a sudden, i felt somewhat precarious in my comfort zone. my hubby has been both my strength and sometimes my voice of reason, helping me through the occasional meltdown when i fear i can't do it all perfectly. and we sure know how gabi loves to do things perfectly.

but God doesn't demand perfection, as we know so well in our heads but grapple so much with in our hearts. at least i do. amazing how much he has taught me about that in this year. i have a lot to share, especially in regards to healing from my loss and moving forward from emptiness into the fullness of his love. i think that might be what i speak about at the conference in march, so i'll use this blog as a sort of dry run to collect and organize my thoughts. (you all should definitely still come though. johnette benkovic + mary jo anderson will be phenomenal!).

thanks for your patience. thanks for your prayers. i am where i am today because of the love and support of so many of you, who held my hand during a difficult time.

At dusk weeping comes for the night;

but at dawn there is rejoicing. (psalm 30:6b)

come along for the ride. the dawn has been marvelous, and it's looking to be a beautiful, beautiful day. 

ps: a taste of pregnant me :)

photo credit: http://pregnancyoutreach.org/

escape

sometimes, you just need to get away from life, from normalcy, from the usual.

thank God for my wonderful mother, who gave me the opportunity to escape.

thank God for my loving husband, who gave me a reason to escape.

thank God for my awesome kiddo, who gave me a reason to come back.




i got to get away from my usual routine of busyness and chaos for 2 blissful days. it was wonderful.

confession time: i have a very difficult time relaxing (i chronicled my sometimes self-destructive perfectionism here and here). it's incredibly challenging for me to just sit and do nothing, think about nothing, just letting go of the urge to do.

frankly, it's exhausting and i'm tired of it, but i don't know how to change.

i described it to a friend in the following manner: i feel as though i live my life with a vast ocean inside my being. whenever that ocean is calm and peaceful, i feel calm and peaceful. even if i'm tremendously busy and active, if my ocean is at rest, i can find peace in the midst of the chaos.

if, however, that inner ocean is chaotic itself, then even if i try to sit and be still, i cannot, because my inner place is tumbling and roaring and swirling and twirling. i can't just relax because i feel agitated inside, ergo my ability to be at peace is already compromised.

i spend the majority of my days, i find, with a turbulent ocean in my heart. thought after thought tumbles through my head, idea after idea takes hold of my creativity. it's not entirely bad, but i never feel as though my day is done. i feel i power full throttle from one project to the next, never feeling as though my work is done. there is never quite enough time to do everything i want to do.

it's actually in the moments that i try to sit and be still that i really feel that ocean tossing and turning in my spirit. at times it's quite tangible, the storm in my heart, motivating me, spurring me on to the next thing to be accomplished. i feel driven by a compulsion inside me, and i hold on for dear life as i move from one thing to the next.

i'm exhausted just reading this. it's just not a healthy way to live life.

so i decided to slow down for a weekend. i pressed the gigantic pause button and declared, "world, you must take care of yourself for a few days. i'm going off duty, and i trust you'll still be here when i return."

it sounds melodramatic, but occasionally i honestly believe that if i don't take charge of something and complete it on my own (because clearly asking for help is weakness and if i let someone help me i run the risk of the project not being done well so i should just do it myself...), the world will not be as good as it should be.

and that's not only a lie, but it's self-destructive, because no one can just keep going.

no one can bear the weight of the world alone. no one can be responsible for it all.

except of course for Jesus. but He's on His own level entirely.

so i forced myself to relax and get away for a while, leaving the cares and worries behind, focusing on my husband and our relationship and having fun together.

and you know what, the world was still here. my problems and stresses and responsibilities and jobs were still here. but i was able to forget about them for a while and be refreshed, invigorated for a fresh round.

it was wonderful and i can't wait to escape again. after a few times away, maybe i'll bring back a bit of the peaceful ocean with me. little by little, i'll integrate relaxation and quiet and rest into my normalcy.

what a wonderful world it would be...

for my next trick, i will open my heart even more.

i have written in the past about my parents' wonderful prayer group that they have weekly in their home (see here and here). they have been hosting these meetings for the past 24 years, nearly the totality of my existence. it is such a sacrifice of love on their part. i know they benefit tremendously from it, but i know too that it is countless hours of work and preparation. i can only pray that i too will be so hospitable, so open to the lord's call to service and ministry.

last night, i was at prayer group. of late, it's been challenging for me to be there, i don't exactly know why. i have my suspicions, but i haven't been able to pinpoint the exact reason i've not felt 100% engaged.

last night, the message resounded deep in my heart, and surprisingly stirred up feelings of frustration and anger towards the lord. it was unexpected and unpleasant, and afterwards, i went home and cried on my husband's shoulder for half an hour.

the message itself was not cause for agony. in fact the message was poignant and beautiful. the lord whispered to my heart, and i proclaimed the message to all, saying,

do not be afraid to come empty. 
do not be afraid to come weak, ashamed, or guilty. 
do not be afraid to come with nothing to offer me. 
your "yes" is all I ever wanted. 

i felt called to expand a bit on the message from the lord with some of my own meditations. it is incredible to think that the lord in his infinite majesty chose to create the loveliness of the universe, the expanse of the skies and the oceans, and then in his wisdom, he created man and gave him free will. he created us with the capacity to say yes or no to him. when we say no, it causes the lord intense suffering, because all that he has done has been out of greatest love for us. but when we say yes freely, it gives the greatest glory and joy to the lord. it is a moment of incredible victory over satan, every time we say yes to God. because sometimes, it's just hard. but we make that choice anyways.

this is where the message got really difficult for me to hear and process.

in my weakness, i sometimes get really angry with God.

i find myself surrounded with beautiful women who are enjoying their pregnancies, and in my weak moments, i find myself frustrated with the lord, that he chose me to lose mine. that he allowed me to suffer this loss.

i get angry with him. after all, i've been a good and faithful servant. i have loved him well. why then did i have to suffer, lord?

and then i remember Jesus carrying his cross to calvary. i remember how he embraced his cross of ultimate suffering. i echo the sentiment of st. teresa of avila: "lord, if this is how you treat your friends, it's no wonder you have so few."

and i realize why the lord chose me. it's because he trusted that i would continue to give him glory in the midst of this pain. he trusted me, that i would not allow satan to have victory and bring me to despair. he believed in me, that i would continue to testify to his great goodness and mercy.

sometimes, i wish he didn't trust me so much. but he was right.

every day, it is a choice i must make - to embrace this cross the lord has allowed me to carry. it is the choice to rejoice with my friends in their pregnancies. it is the choice to proclaim blessed be the name of the lord when everything in me feels the opposite. it is the choice to speak of the lord's tremendous love and mercy, when i feel so empty inside.

but i know it is his love and mercy that carries me. i trust that his strength sustains me, even though i feel nothing. he is the ground beneath my feet. he is the peace that steadies my heart. he is the rock i cling to in the storm. he is the quiet that comes after the tears.

he is the new dawn after the dark night. he is love.

and so, my lord, i come empty. i come weak. i come with nothing.

i say yes, because i know there's nothing else i can say that will bring peace.
i come, because there's nowhere else i can turn for grace and strength.

i don't understand. but i trust, i embrace, i believe.

fill my emptiness.

one of the great things about having a kid...

is having a ready-made excuse for a vast assortment of situations.

need to get out of going to party you don't really want to attend? can't find a sitter for the kiddo. 

need to leave a party early? the kiddo needs his nap. 

you forgot that you left your kiddo's sippie cup in a bag with all the library books? whoops. 

i went to the library all set to blame this error in judgment on matthew. i know it's terrible, but i have a tough time accepting that i have made a mistake, and it's just easier to place the blame on the kiddo, knowing that the consequences will be vastly less once the offended party knows that he's just a little one.

but as i arrived, i searched my heart and discovered i was incapable of placing the blame on matthew, even though he would have blissfully and obliviously endured the stigma of being the one who wet the books.

i have come to the realization that even though you may consider yourself to be all grown up and adult-ish, the looming event of having to fess up and admit you did something wrong or caused something awful to occur is really hard.

i hate having to admit i made a mistake. i hate having to take responsibility for an error, and would much rather pretend it never happened, or hope no one noticed.

as a parent, this is actually one of my big goals: i want to teach my children to take responsibility. i want them to be independent and make their own decisions, and then deal with the consequences, whether good or bad.

i grew up in a sheltered home. my parents were generous and took excellent care of my siblings and i, and always made sure we had everything we needed. but i feel that because i was so sheltered, my parents were much more willing to share in the consequences of my actions, to step in and save me when i floundered.

i was tremendously grateful at the time, but i now feel a little less able to embrace life, make important decisions with confidence, and accept that good or bad consequences may follow. i am a little more reliant on the opinions and advice of others, and i know this contributes to my need to please and to meet expection (for more on this, read this blog post).

so my goal as a parent is to empower my children: hopefully give them wisdom to make proper decisions, and courage to face the consequences like a man (or a woman).

but that still leaves me, sometimes wanting to run and hide from bad consequences (or hide behind my own child). not very grown up or courageous, really.

i was talking to my dear friend viktorija today about an earlier blog post, and she asked to what conclusion had i arrived at the end of the post. i realized that sometimes you don't have the answer yet. i often get the answer when i least expect it and most need it.

so i don't know what the answer to this is yet, either. but i have an idea what my husband jonathan would say: he would say that i just need to do it. i need to make decisions with confidence and then deal with consequences as they arise. practice makes perfect.

ah, but can't i just be perfect from the get-go? no? darn it.

alright, i accept that flawed decisions will probably be made tomorrow. i will do my best to avoid them, but will put on my grown up face as best i can and deal with the circumstances. i will try not to blame my kid for everything.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference. 

my heart is restless

The Lord uses all things to teach us. I know this to be true and have seen the evidence of it throughout my life, usually months to years after the fact. We need some distance, some perspective to see exactly how the Lord brought us through a trial, exactly what He was trying to show us.

I am blessed and humbled to say that the Lord has been so merciful to me in regards to healing from my miscarriage. There are so many things that could have gone wrong, that could have been worse. But instead, I emerged from the valley physically unscathed (or at least, so they tell me). I'm tremendously grateful to the Lord that my womb was preserved from further damage.

But my huge cross now is the waiting. Some women have a mountain of healing to climb before they can even fathom getting pregnant again. I have the endless trickle of time to face. I have this tremendous desire to feel life in me. I was so ready, so ecstatic to be with child the first time around, but the Lord in His eternal wisdom chose to bring that life home to Himself. Thanks be to the Lord from who all good things come.

Now that I have mourned, and equally rejoice in having a baby in heaven, I'm just so ready to know I have a little one inside me. I ask our baby in heaven to intercede at the feet of Jesus, to ask that this new pregnancy, whenever the Lord brings it, be healthy and safe. I'm just ready, Lord. Why not now?

And so I wrestle again with the utter lack of control. Just as I was unable to retain the life of my baby in heaven with all my strivings and worryings, I am unable to manufacture life in my womb just because I want it so much. I have to wait for God's time to be now.

But it is so hard to wait. It is so hard to believe that God's timing, His plan is the perfectly best one. I say to Him in prayer, "But Lord, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am healed from my hurt, I am ready to move on and get this next baby's life started."

And still, He asks me to wait. Whether it be this month, or next month, or next year, I have to believe that He will bring the newest member of our family when it truly is the right moment for us. I may think I know what that moment is. But I know that years from now, when I gather my children into my arms and whisper to them how very much I love them, I will look on this moment and realize that yes, God, You DID in fact have it all under control.

Worry accomplishes nothing. Peace achieves all.

menopause, empty nest, and midlife crises

No, the title of this blog post (thank Jesus) does not refer to me. It refers to the book I just finished reading: The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus by Sonja Sones.

A bit of background: I have a curious method for selecting the occasional new release novel from my library. I peruse the selections available and, contrary to common wisdom, I judge the books by their cover. I look for the cover that leaps off the shelf, provoking my curiosity to delve within the pages. I look for a cover that is unique, provocative, and eye-catching. And that is the book that comes home with me.

On my last visit to the library, Sonja Sones's work came home with me. And it was intriguing, most notably because it chronicles a stage in life that is rather opposite to the one I currently inhabit.

It tells the story of a woman who is a poet, is enduring the full wrath of menopause, is suffering the suspicion of her husband's possible infidelity, and is coming to terms with the concept of an empty nest, as her only daughter prepares to leave home for college.

The thing that grabbed me at first glance, however, is the fact that this novel is written entirely in verse. Now, it's not your average "Roses are red, violets are blue" variety of poetry. It's lovely lyrical rhythm and, let's be honest, who doesn't love the SHORT chapters of a poetry book?

I almost returned Hunchback after noticing that it was in verse. I'm so glad I didn't. It's a thought-provoking read, especially for those of us women who are just getting married and beginning to form our families. It gives us a perspective from the future. The author captures this perfectly in the following image: An older woman recalls being a young mother, playing with her daughter at the park and watching the ducks along the lake, noticing the older grandmas. Now, she herself is the older woman, wistfully longing for her youthful energy and for her daughter to be small again.

As a young mother, I am thankful for the reminder to enjoy my little boy. We sometimes can miss the current stage of life in wistfully wishing either for the future to arrive faster, or for the past to return. The only day we have for certain is the present day. Instead of wishing my boy was a baby again, or longing for the day he is potty-trained, obedient at first command, or eager to eat all types of foods, I need to cherish the level he's at right now. Otherwise, I'll miss it entirely. And these are days, mommies, that we never get back. Your child will never be just like he or she is right now ever again.

Cherish your kiddo. Hold him or her close and love them just as they are.
Love yourself, and be forgiving. You are what you have to work with. Baby steps to perfection, always counting on the Lord's mercy and grace.

And above all, be grateful. You never realize the full extent of the blessings you have until they are gone.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

how to retain your sanity.

I've been pondering of late that I really could make better use of my time.

Matthew is now 14 months, and such a precocious little bugger. He's into everything and onto everything and his preferred mode of movement is running full throttle into everything. So I have my hands full 24/7 just keeping up with the Kid.

But in those precious moments of spare time, it's all I can do not to just launch myself onto the nearest couch and enter into full veggie mode.

I've never been much of a TV watcher. My siblings would always rave about the latest TV show that is a "must watch this summer," and I would always be woefully out of touch. Not this summer, baby!

Ok, so maybe I'm still out of touch in regards to the "cool shows," but I still have watched more television in the past 6 months than ever before in my life. And granted, I have needed it for more than one reason.

1) I needed the relaxation from chasing the Chubb.
2) I needed to put my feet up and unplug myself for a while.
3) I needed to hear a voice other than my own, with a vocabulary at least as sophisticated as a junior high student... (although that's sometimes a stretch...)

But I feel as though little by little, I can start to engage my brain cells a bit more and stretch myself intellectually again. Yikes, even the thought is intimidating...

But I am slowly reconnecting with my love of literature, catching up on some quality reading while the Bubbs sleeps. My latest page turner, Catcher in the Rye, was a satisfactory accomplishment that everyone tells me ought to have been read while I was in junior high... ah well, better late than never...

So I ask you all. Doesn't matter if you are a Mommy with bubbas of your own to chase, or a recent (or not so recent) college grad, high school grad, whatever: how do you continue to challenge yourself intellectually now that the summer is upon us, or now that a constant pitter patter of little feet fills the formerly silent air of contemplation?

Even though I am a Mommy, I feel there is no reason I can't continue to grow, to challenge myself, to think and ponder deeper things... I just might have to squeeze it in between Dr. Seuss and diaper changes now.

Why Can't You Just Take A Nap????

Ah, the days when the cub is sick... 


It used to be that nothing could ever slow me down. Not sleeplessness, not sickness, not homework, not anything. I was a machine! 


And now, God has chosen in His infinite wisdom to bestow upon an automatic "take-a-breather" mechanism: my one year old and his occasionally malfunctioning immune system. 


Behold, the days of runny noses and watery eyes and moaning and groaning and gnashing of teeth are upon me! And I'm forced to step outside myself and once again learn to put the needs of another WAY FAR before my own. 

I've discovered that it's easy to put the needs of another before your own when you feel the cause is noble and honorable and commendable. I found that I would gladly get up in the middle of the night to feed my baby, because he needed me, because it was fulfilling, because it was good and right. I was proud to serve. 

But I've also discovered that when my baby is sniffly and germy and wet and whiny, giving up my own plans and schedule to tend to his needs becomes an heroic effort as opposed to an honor. He's less apt to entertain himself, and more likely to sit at my feet and cry, content only with 100% of my attention. 


It's frustrating, when I have a to-do list the length of my arm, schedules to keep to, things to get done... 


But I'm coming to see that the Lord is calling me to a change in perspective and in purpose. There will always be things to do. But my little one will be little for such a short time. Soon enough, he won't need me anymore. And then I will look back longingly at this beautiful time when all he wants to do is cuddle his mama, and wonder why I didn't take advantage. 


And that applies to life in general. Sometimes, we are so caught up in the tasks, the business, that we lose sight of the present moment, the loveliness of life right now. The Lord is good in giving me reminders to slow down and bask in His goodness now, even if that goodness comes in the form of Matthew fighting off disease like a champion. 


All he needs to be happy is my attention. There's really nothing so important, that needs to be done right this second, that justifies my refusal to spend that time with my best guy. 

Lord, help me to be patient when it counts. Help me to love when it's hard. Help me to put myself aside when no one is watching. Help me be less of me and more of You. Amen.

Let This Cup Pass Me By...

Ever have "one of those days"?


You know the kind I mean... those days when the simplest thing can tinge your day with difficulty, can burden your soul, can reduce you to tears and doubts.

Today was one of those days for me. (I know, I know, reusing blog photos...)


Even though I know that my husband is probably my most consistent reader, having this blog still feels like a confessional, like I'm sending my spirit out into the world like a dove to find dry land. There's a degree of anonymity, of release, of freedom in sharing my humble thoughts with an audience that, regardless of what the truth might be, at least to me seems captive and engrossed in my day-to-day doings and musings.


And so I share with you my weaknesses, my fears, my wee difficulties, in the hopes that you might somehow understand, commiserate, or at least know. Knowing someone out there knows spreads some of the weight around.


I started this blog to chronicle my quest to balance my life as musician, as mother, and as minister. Lately (and by that, I really do mean the past few days), I've been struggling a bit with my role as mother.


Take today for example: Matthew generally takes a solid nap in the mornings, and I count (oh how much do I count!) on having that blissful, blessed time to myself to do the things that I WANT TO DO. Today was no exception: I cheered to myself as the baby went down oh-so-nicely for his nap, and thought to myself: "Ok, I can finally sit down and finish reading that book, well, AFTER I clean up the house, and exercise, and scarf down some lunch, and get those business emails done..."


I'll bet you can tell where this is going... I got done all the things that I HAD TO DO, but when that blissful, special time came for me to relax... I heard a not-so-musical cry from the baby room, and that was the end of that.


I can't tell you how many times that has happened over the last 11 months. But it got to me today. My heart literally sank, and I couldn't shake this feeling of disappointment.


I have to confess, I'm TERRIBLE at relaxing. I always would rather work, work, WORK for an intense hour, get everything done, and then settle in for some quiet, peaceful reading. Problem is, now that I have a wee man on my hands, my time for me shrinks weekly, and my need for it grows exponentially.


I love my lil man, but he is a demanding child who requires (read: commands) much of my attention and energy. It's hard not to feel smothered by a baby who just wants you 24/7 (although he is really cute). As a mother, you are never off duty. And it's definitely wearying.

I can promise you this: it's worth every second. My son is so unbelievably sweet and loving. But it is hard. And some days, I just need to get things out there and out of me. I don't have any answers or deep ponderings or wisdom to offer with this post. But I know I'm not alone. And I know I'm so blessed. And I know, above all, that I love my Matthew with every fiber of my being.

Ink and Pages

""Someone once said that reading is a dress rehearsal for life. Through a well-crafted story we experience the good, the bad, and the ugly without any of the consequences. We get to learn from others' mistakes."

 I read this quote on one of the blogs I currently follow: Steady Mom. It got me to thinking about the beauty of reading-the exciting journeys and adventures it inspires- and the incredible power of the imagination.

I am an avid reader... at least I used to be, before life happened and my son was born.
Now if I get 30 minutes of reading in, it's a fabulous day for "me" time.

Don't get me wrong, I relish every second spent with my little guy. But on those lovely days when he sleeps for three hours and I get the opportunity to delve back into reading, I am reminded of how very much I enjoy this activity and how grateful I am that my mother so strongly encouraged me to read. She opened up the world to me, and I intend to do that for my children. No endless hours in front of a TV for them! (A strong proclamation considering the only child I have right now is a 10-month old...)

I just finished two books that when juxtaposed reveal such interesting truths about love, relationships, and the appearance of perfection. The first, Perfect Life by Jessica Shattuck, is an examination of the friendships and relationships experienced by a group of college friends some years after graduation.

The second, Recipes For A Perfect Marriage by Morag Prunty gives a portrayal of two marriages, that of a woman living in New York, and that of her grandmother in Ireland.

Both books, while the former is secular to the core and the latter full of spiritual wisdom, illustrate the principle of illusion: all that glitters is not gold, and what can appear to be a perfect relationship can be anything but. 

I often look at other people's relationships and wonder how they make it look so easy. I look at my own relationship, and sometimes miss the good in worrying about the difficult (but only sometimes: there's so much to be grateful for).

It's amazing how many times we can focus on the perfect, this illusive ideal that somehow manages to become the standard. I know in my head that perfect is impossible to accomplish. But my heart longs to be perfect, to have it all together, to be "that mother, that wife, that woman" that other women want to be more like. 

Sometimes I look at other women, and I want to be like them. I think to myself, "Man, she's got it so easy. Her kids ..., her husband ..., whereas my son ... and my husband ..." Or I could covet someone else's financial security, someone else's house, someone else's good fortune...

But that's where reading such books as Perfect Life and Recipes comes in handy. All that glitters is not gold. I may have my own crosses to bear, but I have no idea what someone else's challenges may be. We must be careful what we wish for. What appears to be perfect often times is anything but.

Many times, we can present a front of perfection to the world as a wall behind which to hide the reality of our problems and trials. If we could just appear to have it all together, maybe then everything would simply be okay.

I am so grateful for all that I have. I have a wonderful music ministry, which God continues to expand in His will and time. I have a beautiful marriage, which is not perfect, which is continuing to blossom, and which brings me joy unlike anything else. I have a wonderful son who teaches me unceasingly and calls me daily to sainthood. I have so many blessings. So what if life is still hard sometimes? The challenges keep me from complacency and stagnancy, keep me reaching to Jesus for the strength and grace to persevere.

Little by little, I'll learn from my own mistakes. I'll take what I can from other's mistakes. I'll keep moving forward, keep living life. Lord, keep my eyes focused on You, rather than on those around me. You alone are perfect, and can bring me to perfection. And that is good enough for me.

Not My Will But Yours

Hello to all. 

It's been a while since I posted. I credit the encouragement of a dear friend for spurring me back to pen and paper, or really, to keyboard and screen.

Welcome back to the joyful chaos that is my life. Thanks for coming along for the ride, for the prayers and support.

Look Who's Back :)

It's been a while since I wrote. Lots of excitement around these parts, what with friends I haven't seen in a long time coming to visit, new developments with Jonathan and work, taking on the music for the Teen Mass at my church, and other such happenings.

But I'm back, and ready to write again. Here are some updates with the goings-on in this mommy's life:

Something They Might Not Have Told You About Babies...

I mentioned in an earlier post that I would share some more about my early experience with nursing my Matthew. Ladies, let me be the first to say it, if someone has not already broken this news to you: Nursing is NOT always second nature. It is not always easy, and the baby, regardless of how soon after birth he lies on your stomach and you place him on the breast, sometimes does not quickly attach or begin to nurse automatically. It took Matthew and I quite a while to achieve this supposed instinctive and natural skill.

Wanted: Non-Perfectionist to be Mother to Baby Boy

I had an interesting conversation with a good friend recently about parenting and perfection. This person, who is a dear, dear friend, commented that she didn't ever think that she would feel ready to start a family. She said that the heavy responsibility of raising children was too awesome to contemplate, when she didn't even feel her own life was fully on track or under control.

Do I ever know that feeling. So often, I am overwhelmed at the thought of what I have committed myself to. One day, I will stand before Almighty God and say, "Lord, this is what you gave me and this is what I did with that gift." The greatest gift the Lord bestows is that of life, and He allows us, weak and inadequate as we are, to participate in that act of creation.

Crooked Lines Made Straight

Today was one of those not quite so fun days of mommyhood. One of those days that can, if you look just at particular instances rather than the entire whole, seem as an epic fail. You know you've had days like that. I actually accomplished quite a bit today, but it paled next to the things I failed to accomplish.

And all because I am now at the service of a little man who throws his weight around like you wouldn't believe. Yes, my son is adorable, but sometimes, he can be quite challenging too. And then he looks at me with those little eyes, the ones that say, "Yes, Mommy, you are the most important person in my universe," and I melt into a thousand little pieces of love.

Like Father, Like Son, Like Daughter?

I have several good friends who were pregnant around the same time as I was. Now that we have had our babies, the topic often comes up of who our babies most resemble. Is the wee one a mirror image of mommy? Or perhaps the spitting image of daddy? I find myself scrutinizing every inch of Matthew, trying to find the vestiges of myself in him amongst the mountains of DNA he inherited from his daddy. He has my eyes, my ears, and my mouth. All good things, I think.

I had the occasion to meditate further on this topic of family resemblance earlier today.

Peace Surpassing Understanding

I love a good thunderstorm. It helps put things in perspective. No matter how crazy or stressful things may seem in my life, watching a thunderstorm reminds me of the awesome power of God. No matter how out of my control things are, they are never out of His, and He has the power to protect and provide.

Thank goodness, because sometimes I feel so... small. So like a little girl. What? I'm 24? I have to do grown-up things and deal with grown-up problems? Can't someone else just take care of me?

The Bigger Picture

You wouldn't think that a baby screaming in the backseat could provide a profound life lesson to ponder. Yet, somehow, he does.